Life with Jesus in it is amazing. I often look at the little oak tree that I planted five years ago after finishing Forgiven & Set Free ministry through my church. That little red oak has grown a lot! It’s not only grown a lot in height, but in meaning. It still stands for the son I’ll know someday, but also it stands for me… for my strength to get through this, the resilience it takes to go on and the love I can finally feel for myself after all of these years. I’ve come a long way, through lots of challenges. I have a ways yet to go. I won’t reach the end until I go home to God and can meet my baby again.
A few weeks ago, my F&SF sisters and I got together for a Spring Brunch. We were each asked if we wanted to participate in a promotional video for Forgiven and Set Free. At the time, it was unsure as to where this video would end up and how it would be used, but many of us were happy to participate in hopes that it would get “out there” and heighten awareness.
This video is the first step in God using us to help others who have experienced abortion or are considering it as an option. Please take 2 minutes and 50 seconds of your time to watch the video to completion. Listen to the words of the song. If it doesn’t touch you, I don’t know what will!
Hey Lucy, I remember your name… I left a dozen roses on your grave today; I’m in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away; I just came to talk for a while, I got some things, I need to say…
Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her, I’d give up all the world to see, That little piece of heaven looking back at me; Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her; I’ve gotta live with the choices I made, And I can’t live with myself today…
Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday… They said it’d bring some closure to say your name; I know I’d do it all different if I had the chance, But all I got are these roses to give, And they can’t help me make amends…
Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her, I’d give up all the world to see, That little piece of heaven looking back at me; Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her; I’ve gotta live with the choices I made, And I can’t live with myself today.
Here we are, Now you’re in my arms; I never wanted anything so bad… Here we are, For a brand new start; Living the life that we could’ve had…
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand, Me and Lucy never wanna end! Just another moment in your eyes, I’ll see you in another life, In heaven, where we never say goodbye!
Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her, I’d give up all the world to see, That little piece of heaven looking back at me; Now that it’s over, I just wanna hold her; I’ve gotta live with the choices I made, And I can’t live with myself today!
Here we are, Now you’re in my arms; Here we are, For a brand new start; Got to live with the choices I’ve made, And I can’t live with myself today!
Me and Lucy walking hand in hand, Me and Lucy never wanna end! I got to live with the choices I’ve made, And I can’t live with myself… Today…
Hey Lucy, I remember your name…
Songwriter, John Cooper
Performed by: Skillet
Thank you for looking. Until next time, have a blessed day!
It’s been 6 months since I “graduated” from Forgiven and Set Free last September, 9 months since I began attending one of the most important, life-changing ministries of my life. If you haven’t read my Forgiven and Set Free Post-Abortion Blog posts, this would be a great time to do so (there are four posts, start from the bottom).
Today, the ministry coordinator(s) organized a breakfast get-together for those of us who have completed the sessions. Eleven of my F&SF sisters joined together at 9:00 this morning for worship, minstry, fellowship, food and fun. Some of these kindred spirits I know from church, some I met for the first time and it was like we’d known each other forever! How can I begin to describe the warm intimacy we sisters share as we talk about our experiences and join in prayer for each other and anyone else who needs prayer?
After two previous attempts at post-abortion counseling, both failed attempts ~ one with an educated pastor and one with a secular psychologist with a ph.d, I can be assured that Forgiven & Set Free is still “working” within me. Still holding me close, still consoling me in the loss of my child, and still reassuring me that I will see him some day. Indeed, I have grown in this knowledge of God’s eternal forgiveness and love. I’m praying for a time when I can share my experience(s) and newly -found knowledge with another sister who may have gone through, or is going through what I went through. I know He has a plan for me, and I hope it’s to help someone else.
Until He reveals His plan to me, I’m happy knowing I’ve got sisters who have been through what I have been through, understand my pain and my joy. I can also revel in the anticipation of my little red oak tree sprouting leaves again soon with the Spring, and I’ll be able to watch it grow and think about meeting my son some day down the road when the time is right.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to “how far” I need to go in my post-abortion healing. How long does one grieve? How long before I’m healed? Some people feel the need to “celebrate” yearly milestones, but I think for me, I’ve about reached the summit and am prepared to let it go and perhaps in the future “celebrate” and remember in my own personal way.
I have, however, recently purchased an ornament to put on our Christmas tree to commemorate the very first Christmas that I feel allowed to remember him. It would’ve been this week or next that Kirk would’ve been born, had he been allowed to go to full term. He would’ve been a Christmas baby. It’s important to me to have “concrete” items with which to celebrate and remember, and I’m blessed to have been able to find what I consider the “perfect” ornament for our circumstance.
Back side of ornament
I found the ornament in an online search and sent for it. It’s gold with autumn colored beads, and on the center piece on the front is a gold oak leaf embellished with red/orange tones. On the back side it is engraved (4) lines:Kirk L Thomas, December 1974, Forgiven and, Set Free.
Front of Kirk’s commemorative ornament
And with this, I think I’ve gotten the closure I needed to move on from this experience.I still have the red oak tree planted in our front yard this fall that will continue to grow and be strong. Al put some Christmas garland around the bottom of it ~ kind of like on “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Linus puts his blanket around the bottom of that sad little Christmas tree that Charlie Brown got. And with that, I think I can say “Everything is going to be all right” at last.
To understand where I’m coming from with this, please read Forgiven & Set Free from the start.
If you’d like to visit the website where I got this amazing ornament, go to KyleDesigns.com. They offer all kinds of beautiful ornaments and other personalized/customized items. Their customer service was exemplary… I got my order two days prior to when it was expected!
I still have my days where I look back to 1974 and wonder if there was anything I could’ve changed so that my son could’ve lived. Today was one of those days. I thought of him and what he could’ve been. Might’ve done. Wonder what he would’ve looked like ~ me, with brown hair and brown eyes? or his dad, blond hair and blue eyes? Or maybe a combination of both? I can’t help but think about it now and then, but no longer with sadness and regret, just a quiet feeling of hope.
Today I decided to take some time and do some research into abortions on the worldwide web. It started out with doing a search on oak leaves/trees, as that is how I’ve chosen to make my son real to me. As I’ve written in Forgiven and Set Free, the red oak tree is the concrete “symbol” for Kirk. It gives me focus. So I was searching for clipart and related items to use in the memory book that I’ve created for him. In my search, I found this poem:
Oak Leaves & Lullabies
It didn’t appear to have any credit(s) to it, author or any way I could connect it to the person who created it. But it sure hit home for me, so I decided to borrow it and put it in Kirk’s memory book (I created the background images etc). So, from there I began to think back on the events of those days in 1974, and I decided I hadn’t learned enough about the procedure that was performed in my circumstance: the “saline abortion”. So I Googled it.
At first, of course, the images were startling and disturbing. I knew the basics of what had happened and how it works, but I (for some unknown reason) wanted more details. In delving deeper, I found that my son need not have died from such a procedure ~ unless, of course, it was God’s will. But there are many baby’s that not only survive saline abortions, but they grow up and live normal lives, although some have expected health issues. I also discovered that the saline abortion is illegal in many countries around the world due to its cruelty and dangerous outcomes for the mother. Indeed, that particular method of abortion is no longer used in the United States except in extreme emergency where no other option is viable. There are women and men who are survivors of this procedure and are public speakers against abortions as adults.
I found myself instantly wishing that the hospital staff had tried to save Kirk’s life after he was born alive. But I know that was not God’s will. Kirk was meant for something else, something special. And I’m beginning to feel that the events that took place that summer of 1974 put a direction on my life that has lead to me being here, at this moment, sharing my most intimate feelings about a horrific happening. I’ve never felt so much an advocate against abortion ~ of ALL kinds! I am but one voice, one spirit… inspired by my Holy Father.
A Matter of Perspective 