I have recently begun to acknowledge that I am, indeed, getting old. At 50-something years of age – okay, 55, but I admit I had to do the math on a calculator because I couldn’t remember which 50-something I was – I have come to realize and accept that I am past middle aged and on my way downhill to the end of my life. I am neither afraid nor sad about this revelation, as I know exactly where I’m going, and I know I will go when He says my time here is done, not before.
I’ve noticed subtle changes in my physical being: thinner skin, “age spots” where you least want them to be, easier to bruise and longer to heal, memory loss. Perhaps the worst of these, for me, is the memory loss. I can no longer remember year-to-year how old I am, I cannot remember my grandchildren’s birthdays, and to be honest, sometimes I have to look on my calendar for the exact date of my husband’s birthday. I remember it’s in early April. I keep an in depth, detailed Calendar on my Outlook application at my work, and I routinely print it out and keep it in a like-size binder that I carry with me at all times. I keep everything immediately important in there, or it will be forgotten. Even when my payday is (every OTHER week) and when bills are due. My binder is my lifeline.
My health is failing year by year, and I wonder how much longer I’ll be able to mobilize without major assistance. I have back issues, knee issues and now foot issues. When I get sick, I take forever to come back to good health. A simple cold can turn into bronchitis/sinusitis, strep ~ and I may not recover for several weeks. My shopping is now curtailed by a myriad of orthopedic pains that only allow for me to walk for approximately 25-30 minutes total before I have to abandon whatever plans I had for doing things outside the home. I know a good portion of my problems are most likely due to weighty issues, and I try to exercise (recumbant bike & treadmill) on my good days ~ but my good days are fewer and far between than the bad ones.
Lately, I find myself measuring what’s left of my life in increments of 7-10 years at a time. Maybe I should take it down to 5 years. I am fairly confident that I have a maximum of about 12-15 years left before I am summoned to be by my Lord’s side. And I’m totally okay with that. This is not a “complaining” post, but just one of acknowledgement. But increments of just 5 years left of life seems so very short when there is so much more I want to accomplish before I leave this world.
I want to surround myself with my children and my grandchildren as often as is possible. Since one of my children keeps three of my grandchildren in Alaska, I am in despair of seeing them again. I am blessed that I can see most of my children/grandchildren as they are mostly local (with 35 miles)… although some I still do not get to see often enough even though close. Oddly enough maybe for some of you to imagine, but the most important thing I would like to accomplish would be to regain a relationship with my estranged son. I pray to God every day that, for whatever reason I don’t know, he would forgive me and learn to love me and we could have a mother/son relationship again. Did we ever? I think so, but my memory fails me. He appears to put all of his thought to his deceased father. I often wonder if he’ll care when I’m gone, being relatively sure that, if he even does, it’ll be short-lived. Our distant relationship is the most painful thing in my life right now.
But I digress. I am relatively sure that I will move on before my soul-mate and husband. His family has a history of longevity much more than mine. And, besides, he has strict orders not to go before me ~ by me. If he were to die first, I do not know how I could continue. I can’t even conceive of it! Maybe it’s selfish of me to think this way, after all, he would be just as devastated and hard-pressed to continue without me. Anyway, my orders to him are just tongue-in-cheek. We both know that we do not have control of when we will be going home to be with God. We only know that we will be together again in eternity at some point of His choosing. That’s enough… for now.
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read my thoughts.
TTFN ~ Tamara Eckstadt