I can’t believe it’s been 8 months since I last posted here! Time flies when you’re sicker than hell. I’m still losing weight, and I like that a lot, but it’s been ridiculously difficult ~ not the losing part, but I just can’t seem to feel well.
My new, diminutive size tummy hurts. It hurts all the time. Like 24/7. I can’t remember the last time I felt comfortable enough to relax… well, except when I went to visit my brother and sister-in-law in Mesa, AZ back in April 2019. I was taking prednisone, which made me feel almost superhuman! That was great! But when I got home and the prednisone wore off, it was back to feeling like crap again.
I occasionally put posts on Facebook of my accomplishments, and often I get comments about how “inspirational”, brave, etc etc I am. I don’t FEEL inspirational! I feel like a miserable failure. I can’t get to a point where I can actively exercise, which would help further my weight loss. My entire existence right now is unpredictable. My digestive system has complete control and a mind of its own. I can never tell if I’m hungry, as it hurts all the time… whether or not I eat or drink. I can never know if/when I’m going to have to visit a bathroom – public or not – or what the outcome will be. Sometimes I only have a few moments’ notice before I just HAVE TO GO! Or I may not go for days.
I used to have “safe foods”, no more. All bets are off. I’ve become sick from eating just about anything… everything. And that has negatively affected my outlook on meals. We really don’t even eat meals as a family anymore. I never know when or what I can eat, and sometimes the pains get so bad, so quickly that I have to put something into my “pouch” really fast or I end up doubled over.
To be honest, although I look better and I smile a lot in pictures, this has been a living nightmare from hell. It was so bad last month, that I called my surgeon and agreed to have yet another endoscopy AND added a laparoscopy! Dr. Cooper found an umbilical hernia and – how to explain this – my intestine had become “attached” to the muscle/wall of my new stomach via scar tissue. So I got that all fixed and felt pretty good for awhile. It lasted about 9 days before the pain was back, and did I mention the gas? There’s just no way to explain the incredible amounts of gas my body is creating on a daily basis. And yes, I’m on prescription medication for it, as well as guzzling Gaviscon (which helps somewhat). I’m headed back to my gastroenterologist on Monday, Dr. Edison. It feels like we’re running out of options, which I find hard to accept because I just cannot live like this for the rest of my life.
But there you have it. This is my life for now. Maybe next time I’ll talk about my elusive post-surgery Bucket List. Wondering if I’ll ever be able to realize any of those dreams!
Thanks for stopping by!
Blessings ~ Tamara