Tag Archive | fat

Love/Hate Relationship ~

I hate food.  I seriously, really hate it.  You might ask, how can someone so fat hate food?  Well, I can hate it, but I still have to have it to live.  If only it weren’t that way at all.  I hate how it makes me feel, and I hate that it’s my own fault that it makes me feel that way.  It all comes back to me, and I acknowledge that.

When my siblings and I were kids, my Mom was an awesome cook.  We were made sure to have three meals a day, two of which were usually home cooked.  Don’t forget to add on those after school snacks, and the ice cream or pop corn before bed.  And no, we did not eat either healthy portions or healthy foods.  And I’ve always been “large” – yeah, that means fat.  Always.

Now, since I’ve become “aware” that I hate how fat I am, I hate how I look and I would love to feel better about myself by losing weight, I’ve examined every possible reason for WHY I am so overweight.  I’m thinking if I can understand the reason why, I can change my lifestyle and get some weight loss going on here.  I’ve come down to the conclusion that I just plain and simple love the taste of it.  If it were socially acceptable to eat a meal, chew it up and spit it out rather than swallow it, that would be my Utopia.  I have very strong taste buds, and they are a source of great pleasure for me.

I have tried, over and over, even very recently, to change my lifestyle, my way of eating and my food choices… and it works, for awhile.  I cannot maintain that for very long.  Let’s face it, a breakfast sandwich and Frappe from McD’s is a whole lot better tasting than a bowl of oatmeal and an apple or banana.  Even if it fills me to the extent that it makes me feel like absolute crap afterwards.  I’ve proven I can lose the weight if I can eat right.  I have not yet proven that I can maintain eating right of my own free will.  I’ve tried to tempt myself with nice clothing, with “do it for Al”, “do it for yourself”, “do it for your grandchildren”, “do it for God”!  I cannot get myself on board for any length of time.

I found myself feeling like an absolute blimp at lunch today after eating a KFC “bowl” and a McD’s medium Frappe.  I STILL feel awful, and I will not want to eat dinner with my husband as a family.  But, I will, because that’s what families “do”.  I felt full at lunch after eating only about 1/3 of the bowl, but I kept going.  This little voice in my head kept saying “Finish your plate.  There are people starving in Africa.”  I looked at my bowl and could not get myself to throw it away!  And now I’m paying the price with discomfort.  Serves me right!

Did I tell you that in 1988 I had my stomach stapled?  It worked so well, but was not without its nightmares!  Even today, I have a very small capacity for food in my stomach.  A half sandwich will do me fine for lunch.  A small bowl of cereal for breakfast is great, and one hotdog (no bread) and 3-4 fries is all I need to be full for dinner.  But still I choose to overeat.  Is it truly a flavor addiction?  I wonder.

After I first had my surgery, it took me months/years to “learn” how to re-eat so I didn’t make myself sick.  Not sure I ever really did get that down (so to speak).  I vividly remember eating the “wrong thing” more often than not, and spending hours, sleepless nights even, vomiting or wanting to vomit but being unable to.  You see, I’d rather die than vomit.  In fact, to me, vomiting is the closest thing to death without actually dying.  So, in many ways, I simply refused to allow myself to when it probably would’ve made me feel better in the long run.  And, back in the 80’s, we did not have “support groups” for fat surgery.  Even so, I did lose weight.  I lost 30 lbs before I ever left the hospital.  Then I continued to lose through the 80’s and 90’s and it was GR8!  Overall, I think I lost about 98-99 lbs before it leveled off and I began to gain again.  I learned that eating junk food digested easier, tasted better and made me feel better.

It was a tough road, and it took a long time, but I finally gained back all the weight I’d lost and a little more!  Success!!  ???  That’s where I am today.  Sitting here approximately 5-6″ from my desk because my ample belly is in the way from me reaching my desk.  That ample belly that I know is the greatest risk of me dying sooner rather than later.  What’s it going to take before I finally hit rock bottom and decide I need to start losing (again) and maintain it?!  A heart attack?  And someone needs to have a serious discussion with my enabling husband.  I have had such a discussion many times, but he does not maintain it either.  He brings me chocolate, ice cream before bed, soda…  I’m not blaming him, as he does it out of love and wanting to please me.  I have, in the past, begged him not to capitulate to my food whims.  Neither of us maintains.  Sometimes I look at him like he’s a saboteur, then feel bad.  He has this “way” of guilting me into eating, even if I am full and don’t want to!  At dinner, “Aren’t you going to eat something?”  “Aren’t you going to eat with me?”  Eating is always  a social event to him.  We go to visit his mom, we must eat and eat big (she used to be, but no longer, a gourmet cook).  I’d try to nibble just a little of each thing, but was always pushed by his family for not eating enough.  He never did speak up for me, even knowing I could potentially spend the entire 2 1/2 hr ride home sicker than a dog.

More food for thought?  Recently there were two incidents that happened that really brought it to the forefront, once more.  Shopping at Lane Bryant at Destiny USA – cause that’s the only “fat store” locally that might have something pretty for Valentine’s Day, I was browsing in the lingerie department cause I’m “older” but I ain’t dead.  I just wanted something new and pretty for our special V Day weekend.  A customer service person approached me and asked if she could help.  I explained I was looking for something special for Valentine’s Day and she actually took me my the arm and redirected me away from the pretty, sexy things to the frumpy, cotton, tee shirt type crap!  She said “Oh, we have something just right for you right over here.”  I left informed, not insulted.

The second recent eye opener was literally an eye opener.  I was going through our 2013 vacation photos and came across several Al had taken of me, and I gave them a thorough examination.  I was simply aghast.  I had no idea that I was that big!  You know how you have a certiain idea of what you look like to others?  I was duped.  I didn’t look “that bad” in the bathroom mirror, which is quite large.  Holy cow!  Meant literally, or something more like a pinniped (seal).  It embarrassed me to myself.  A couple months ago I was thinking I was a pretty beautiful woman, but this was NOT beautiful!  I just kind of stared at some of the photos of myself for a few minutes, burning the memory into my mind so as to give me momentum to maintain once again.

So, here I am.  This is, essentially, a vent.  It’s one of those “ate too much at lunch, feel like crap and wanna puke” vents.  I’ve never been this honest about this aspect of my life, but here it is.  This is my life.  Where am I going from here?  Well, I’m not going to give up!  I’m going to go home and have yet another talk with my enabler husband, shop for better foods (fresh fruits/veggies) and get back on the wagon yet again.  Dinner tonight?  I doubt it.  Lunch today will last me clear into tomorrow mid-morning.  “Sorry Honey, eating by yourself tonight.  I’m going to work on my quilt, I’m not hungry!” 

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog.  TTFN – Tamara Eckstadt

Made to Crave: Subtle Changes ~

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18    Thought for the Day:  I can’t control my circumstances, but I can control my choices.  Setting mini goals – physically and spiritually – positions me for victory. ”  ~ From Made to Crave Devotional by Lysa TerKeurst

I really felt a need to start today’s post with a Bible verse, but couldn’t decide which one.  When I took up my Devotional and began flipping through it for some ideas, I was inundated with all the appropriate things I wanted to say.  So I had to choose.

 

 

I’ve said before that I know we’re (those of us trying to lose weight) not supposed to weigh ourselves every day because when you don’t see weight loss on the scale it’s very discouraging and can thwart your efforts to continue to your goal(s).  However, I just can’t resist hopping on my Weight Watchers digital scale about every other morning to see what, if any, progress I’ve made.  And I never really anticipate seeing anything different than what I saw the day before, but that has not been the case for me.  As of this morning, I’ve lost 9 pounds since beginning this journey on July 15th.  From 326 to 317.  That’s 9, right?  I just stopped and stared at the scale for about 10 seconds.  This done with only changing the way I eat and the content of my food, as well as prayer.  I have yet to begin to exercise.

Although it might not be noticeable yet physically to others, but I’m beginning to see some subtle changes … mostly in clothing.  Things just are fitting the way they used to just a short time ago.  I’m seeing some bagginess here and there.  Admittedly, it’s a bit unnerving.  I have been down this road before many, many times with little to only short-term success and I’ve gained back whatever I’ve lost and more.  So I guess this wardrobe of fat has been a comfort zone for me sort of, it’s all I’ve known all of my life.  Now that’s changing, and changing for real.  Can I really lose weight and get down to a size that I can buy “off the rack” rather than from the online fat stores?  Is this even possible?  Apparently it is, and with God’s help, I’m going to actually realize some goals here!  And I’m going to have to get used to a NEW comfort zone.  Wow!  this is really going to happen this time!  Watch out Macy’s, I’m coming for you!

Until next time, thanks for stopping in and checking my progress out!  TTFN ~ Tamara Eckstadt

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Made to Crave: Clothing Optional ~

Today I received three catalogs in the mail for clothing… fat clothing. Normally I would be excited looking at what’s on clearance (already) from their summer stock, but loathing that they’re advertising their fall/winter wear already! I took the stack, as I normally do, and cuddled up in my loveseat/recliner (my comfort zone) and proceeded to look through to see what, if anything, I could even afford. You see, I cannot purchase the majority of my clothes at WalMart, Macy’s or any “over the counter” clothing store. They who claim to carry “fuller figure” styles are kidding themselves. But they aren’t kidding me. I outgrew those sizes in the mid to late 80’s. I do shop at Catherine’s on occasion, if I’m desperate for something I can’t wait to come via USPS from one of the fat clothing stores.

Another “advantage” from buying online or from a catalog is that you can’t try them on. You purchase your item(s), pay to have them shipped only to find out that they don’t fit ~ one way or another. Too short, too tight, too long, just barely too tight but will shrink when I wash it, makes my arms look too fat, doesn’t hide my belly enough. Then you have to ship it back and either exchange it or get a refund… and you pay for that shipping too. So by the time you’re through, you’re into this $59.99 pair of crappy jeans for at least $21.99 for shipping alone.

“Making It Big” ~ my favorite catalog store. Yep, they make them big… up to 8 XL. I’m not there yet, but I WAS well on my way. I love Making It Big’s clothing, just not their prices. Your typical dress that I would wear to work is around $125.00. The tops in these photos are also $85+… for a flipping top! I can no longer afford to wear “nice” stuff to work, or at home either. This has to end!

Fall Fashion Preview - Shop Now!

Now for a lifestyle update: The weekend was a little tough for me. I’m still learning what to buy, how to prepare healthy meals (and actually DOING it!) and how to curb my increasing hunger pangs. But it’s working! I went to an appreciation dinner on Sunday held by my church for church volunteers (of which I am one). It was at a nice, lakeside restaurant (Borio’s on Oneida Lake), and I was concerned about what I would/could eat without compromising my goals. I did good. I had a good sized portion of greens salad with a drizzle of dressing, and then I put that bowl of salad right on my plate as I continued down the buffet line picking foods. I took ONE small meatball, TWO pcs of Penne pasta, about a teaspoon of some gelatin/marshmallow salad, and a slice of Italian bread with no butter. I made it look to others like I had a lot, so “that conversation” wouldn’t come up. You know the one: “you’re hardly eating anything! Have some more …. ” whatever. No, I didn’t WANT any more. And I also passed on the dessert of cake and ice cream (“there’s plenty more, help yourselves” Pastor said). I drank lemonade. It was “enough”. And I was full ~ for about 3 hrs. But the test of cake and ice cream was H-A-R-D and I almost failed. But I stood my ground and watched my husband and other table-mates eat theirs ~ I even said “no” when Al offered me “just a taste” several times! Geez, Al!

I totally missed telling you the POINT to this post! I ended up putting the catalogs in the recycling bin. Why would I buy these fat clothes knowing that, perhaps by winter, I won’t even fit in any of them? All clothes shopping is officially on hold for now.

My niece, Lisa’s “fancy shoes”.

One of the wonderful “side-effects” of the weight loss I’m anticipating would be to be able to wear clothing that I like for a change… and not just what fits me. Above is a photo that my niece, Lisa, took to show her family what she was wearing out for a fancy date with her beau. I want to wear things like this. I love color, patterns, bling. This is my goal. Watch out, Lisa, I’m coming for these shoes! Are they size 7?

Thank you, whoever you are, for reading my progress and lending support. By the way, and I have no intentions of weighing myself so often, but just for fun I got on the scale again this afternoon. I lost one more pound ~ for a total of three in seven days. Don’t think of this as “bragging”, I won’t officially BRAG until I’m down about 15 lbs. Until then, I will quietly watch the scale and revel in whatever it tells me. I know, even if I gain a pound or two back, this is my journey, and I will prevail!

Until next time, TTFN ~ Tamara Eckstadt

 

Made to Crave: Introduction to Weighty Issues ~

I am a beautiful woman, inside and out.  You have no idea how many decades it has taken me to be able to admit those words.  Admitting is not necessarily believing, but I’m getting there.  Oh, I know I’m beautiful inside, but to come to grips with who I am outside ~ well, the time has come.

My favorite picture of myself.  Thank you, Roger William Photography

My favorite picture of myself. Thank you, Roger William Photography

     See, I’m having my own, personal “coming out” party today.  As I’m sure no      one could foretell that I would be admitting that I am morbidly obese.  You didn’t notice?  LOL!  Well, it’s true.  Anyone with sight could tell.  I love myself, but I don’t like myself very much.  I guess it comes from an entire lifetime of everyone judging me because I’ve been fat since childhood.  Children are mean.  I’ve been told for over 45 years that I’m not good enough to be on the team, or too slow to run the bases, or that I’m just plain ugly.  When you’re a kid and you live this, it changes everything you believe about yourself.

However, when you become an adult and you still believe these things, it’s because it’s ingrained.  Doesn’t mean you can’t change it.  BTW, I’m not looking for a “pity party” ~ I take full responsibility for my obesity (wow!  did I use “the ‘O’ word again?!).   “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge,” Dr. Phil McGraw.  I’ve “acknowledged” it before, to myself.  I don’t think that did much good.  I think I need to get it all out there.  What the heck?  I’ve already revealed my past abortion and 90% of my chaotic history.  Why stop now?  Seriously?  You didn’t notice the multiple chins, the drooping belly and the enormous upper arms?  I think my arms must be the biggest on record in this state!  At least the county!  You didn’t stand there staring at me wondering how much I must weigh?  Well, this beautiful woman is 5’6″ and 326 lbs.  THERE!  I said it, it’s out there!  Yes, I weigh THAT MUCH!  Now, let’s see what we can do about this…

 ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^   That was then (Saturday night 7-13-13), and this is now (Monday night 7-15-13).   It’s simply amazing how much can change in only a few hours with God’s work at hand.  You see, I signed up for this fellowship “class”? of sorts through church about a month ago.  It’s called “Made to Crave”.  When I signed up for it, I had no idea what it was about, really, it just pretty much fit my difficult schedule of being on Mondays, which is my usual day off.  Today, Monday, was my first visit.  Mind you, I honestly didn’t really want to go… it has been so hot, and this morning it was 80 degrees before 9 a.m., the class started at 10:00 a.m.  I contemplated not going, but thought to myself “If I can’t give GOD one hour of my time…”  I was too embarrassed at the thought to fill in the rest, so I was on my way.

The class was to be small (intimate), just my preference.  We were to watch a video, and, still not knowing what this was all about, when the video began, I suddenly knew why I was there.  The topic revolves around craving God, but also focuses on weight loss!  No, not like any type of weight loss program you may have heard about or experience, but God-centered weight loss.  What could make more sense?!  God gave us these bodies to use during our time here on earth, but not to abuse and torture them with added weight and misuse.  I had been put into the right frame of mind beginning on Saturday to be able to jump into this fellowship today!

So, above I had stated “Now let’s see what we can do about this…” and I guess that question has been answered.  Now, let’s see who wants to help me be accountable to reach my goal?  That goal is:  to lose weight.  I’m not even putting any numbers in there… yet.  If I can start with even a pound, then maybe two in the next few weeks, I’ll consider that a successful start!   I’m putting these “weight loss” posts into an exclusive, new category called  appropriately”Made to Crave”.  I’m going to try to post to this daily or semi-daily, with what’s been going on in me reaching towards my goals ~ I’ll post things I’ve eaten/not eaten/avoided, and how about exercise?  How about prayer?  Promise to give me feedback?  Encouragement?  Admonishment?  Continued prayer?  

I’ve started my journey TODAY.  God is with me, He’s got my back.  How about my friends, family and blog friends get in on the action?  I need to hear from you.  Give me your comments, feedback and help me lose.  I want to be my own biggest loser. 

Until next time, which will be tomorrow, TTFN ~ Tamara Eckstadt

Made to Crave.org

Word of Life Assembly of God