Head Games

It’s been about 2 1/2 years since my weight loss surgery and I’m having some struggles. I’ve lost almost 200 lbs, and I get lots of compliments from friends, family, but most of all Al. He loves me unconditionally, and I’m so thankful for that. The hard part is to admit that I absolutely hate how I look. The weight loss has brought with it pounds of sagging skin. Every part of my body sags, and I can’t look at myself in the mirror without loathing the look. It brings with it depression, loss of self esteem, and libido that has remained non-existent since the surgery.

I’ve met with a couple of plastic surgeons to explore getting these sags “cleaned up”, but the price is overwhelming. We’re talking $20,000-$30,000 to have my belly, butt, legs, thighs, arms and breast augmented to make me look human again instead of the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Some friends have said to take it one step at a time, but I don’t even know where to start. I hate it all. I don’t know which I would prioritize as needed the most… well, except the breasts are last. It doesn’t matter, it’s just not affordable no matter how I look at it. Even though Al is backing me 110% no matter my decision.

Al has been such a blessing. We’ve had heart-to-heart discussions about this, and the fact that I don’t like myself enough to even let him see me without baggy clothes. I know in my head that I look better, but the mirror tells a different story. I think in the very near future I’m going to get some counseling about this, just for my own sanity. Meantime, trying to keep my head above water and ward off the depression that is so debilitating.

Thanks for stopping by and taking a look at my blog. I’m going to try to write more beginning this month. I got so off track last year. Many blessings ~ Tamara

Transformation

I don’t even know where to start. I don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t like this new person.

Last September 2023, I took a rather nasty fall in the back yard by stepping into a rather deep hole created by one of my beloved bunnies. I tried to break my fall with my arms, and I thought I was good until a few days later my left arm became quite painful. I didn’t think much of it until it grew worse. After a trip to my primary card doc, she referred me to an orthopedic doc for xrays. Xrays showed a torn rotator cuff. And that’s where it begins. It’s so complicated and drawn out, I’m not even sure I’ll be able to complete the story in this one post. I’m so tired and so in pain, I can’t type for long.

Suffice to say that the orthopedic surgeon (Dr. Alexander) was fine to go ahead and do surgery to put my arm back together. I just didn’t know any better. Meantime, right before Thanksgiving I started what looked to be a new awesome job (having left my awful position at Auburn Community Hospital a week or so before). Unfortunately, the shoulder injury made things considerably more difficult. I managed to work only 4 days at Corvel, and then the injury took me out of work “indefinitely” per Dr. Alexander. I couldn’t expect Corvel to wait for me for what was looking to be the entire year, so we agreed that I should quit… give up my new job to someone else who can actually be there. It was then that I went into early retirement, with the intention of taking on a part time position when my injury gets all fixed and better.

Surgery was December 8, 2023. I retired January 4th. I don’t even know how to explain how the complications crept in. The surgery was on my left shoulder, thank God I’m right-handed! It has been a nightmare of unending pain. I’ve been doing physical therapy since mid-January, but accomplished little. I began having chronic, every-day bad headaches, unexplainable. Then my left hand, from the wrist down, became painful and harder to use as my fingers and wrist just don’t want to work and hurt so bad. Sometimes I just get up out of the bed in the morning and come sit in my rocker/recliner the whole day just trying to find pain relief.

Ugggh, anyway, I gotta stop for tonight. My hand is excruciating. I’ll continue with the story tomorrow morning.

Thanks for tuning in! Prayers are always welcome.

Off the Grid ~

Have I really been off WordPress for two years? Hard to believe. Over those two years, my health has deteriorated and the constant pain has gotten worse, if possible. There isn’t any part of my that doesn’t hurt, it’s just a matter of degrees. My back and my extremities are the worst, my hips make it hard to walk, my legs/feet/knees also make it hard. My left arm is encountering some extreme pain currently, for what reason I don’t know. But I’m going to Auburn Orthopedics on Monday to see if it can get “fixed”. I use a cane most of the time now, reluctantly, because, frankly, it’s embarrassing. People treat you differently, like you’ve got some contagious disease or even like you’re pretending to be in pain to get attention. I hate being obviously different, so I try to hide the pain I’m in. But I can no longer hide the fact that I need a cane to walk with.

Nights are absolutely torturous. My legs go through “restless leg syndrome” all too often, or they just plain ache. My hips hurt mercilessly, making it hard to lay on either side, and my back is in so much pain that I cannot sleep on my back either. I recently joined a Facebook group for people experiencing chronic pain and have learned a lot. There are a lot of people living with extreme pain that cannot get pain relief from healthcare. Doctors don’t take patients seriously when confronted with pain. So many of these people are actually suicidal. Sadly, I understand. I can’t say that it hasn’t entered my thoughts now and then. Pain can do that to you… make you irrational.

I’m currently on an opioid pain medication, but not nearly enough to relieve the pain. It does, however, keep me semi sane most of the time. I can only take two per day, but I actually NEED at least twice that to be functional. My life is solely focused on pain relief right now. That’s all. I don’t think of anything else, and nothing else motivates me other than trying to maintain pain relief. I spend all week trying to get through work, counting the hours until I can go home and just recline (the only way I get relief) and then take some meds. And I spend those hours at home thinking about the coming weekend and what needs to be done versus what I’m capable of doing. It’s a depressing way to live. Hubby will help me with whatever I need, but I hate asking him all the time. Especially when it comes to taking care of my bunnies, cleaning hutches, feeding/watering etc. I’m supposed to be doing that. Yet I barely can anymore. And as far as the house… LOL! I do what I can, but it’s noticeably not much. I asked my eldest daughter for some help once a year ago, and we haven’t spoken since. So, needless to say, I’m reluctant to ask anyone for anything. (My daughter sent me the most heinous, nasty text after I asked for her help, that’s why we haven’t spoken since).

Anyway, it’s becoming even more painful to sit here and type. I gotta go take some meds and lay down. Blessed sleep can’t come soon enough. Thanks for stopping by and taking a look after all this time.

Many blessings to you ~

Starting Over

It’s 9:15 a.m. and I’m home.  I’m not supposed to be home, I’m supposed to be at work.  But this morning I woke up unemployed, and depressed.  I started a new job a year ago and I’ve been working HARD at it often working evenings, early mornings and even weekends to keep up.  It’s not that I’m slow or incompetent, it’s that this position is way over-balanced.  I mean, there’s way too much responsibility for one person to handle in this job.  But I did my best.  My supervisor, the Plant Manager, gave me a great review after the 1^st 90 days, and a raise.  Then I just got another raise 3 weeks ago.  Then that Plant Manager left the company and his boss took over in the interim of finding a new Plant Manager.

This is where it all went awry.  I’m not going to rant or be disgruntled about it.  Suffice to say that the Regional Manager is clueless.  He has no idea what my responsibilities included, let alone what it takes to accomplish these responsibilities.  He took me into his office yesterday for my 1 year review, and I was sure that it was going to be at least “good” ~ and he basically reamed me out.  I’m too slow, I’m not “aggressive enough”, I don’t seek out answers to questions, I don’t get my work done on a daily basis ~ let alone that I’ve been doing the job of 2 ½ people for the past two months as one other person left plus they heaped a bunch of other human resource responsibilities onto me.  I’m not making excuses.  These are facts.  I was given a written warning and told that if I can’t “keep up” I will be dismissed.  The person who he was relying on to give him information about my performance doesn’t like me, so he was given a bunch of crap about me.  She fed him lies probably to help him with his new agenda, whatever that is.

Yesterday afternoon I went on Indeed.com and found an ad for MY JOB there.  It had been listed for two weeks.  So, I guess that goes to show that an agenda was, indeed, in place.  So after my scathing review, I decided I was done.  My option was to “give more”, and I just had no more to give.  It was going to be inevitable that I would be fired in very short order.  So I left.  I came home at 4:30 as usual, then went back at 8 pm when I knew no one would be there, and I packed up my things and cleaned out my area of anything personal and I came home.  BTW, yeah, I was doing such a horrible job that I was given a key to the plant to use at my discretion.

So here I am at 62 years of age looking for a new start with a new employer when I should be looking towards retirement.  I’m a really good employee.  I work hard, I have a LOT of knowledge and experience in an office environment.  I’m loyal and dedicated.  I give my all where I work.  And I’m starting over.

Depressed and feeling incompetent, even though I know better!

Thanks for stopping by ~  Tamara

Withdrawal from Opioids

I don’t feel well. I have multiple health issues, including chronic pain from arthritis in pretty much all of my joints, multiple disc herniations in my back. I’ve been taking hydrocodone… for… I don’t remember how long now. Off and on for some 30+ years, but for the past year it’s been pretty steady, and increased in the past two or three months as the pain is unbearable in my back. Because of my gastric bypass surgery, I can’t take other medications. My only option for pain relief is hydrocodone.

I never thought I would be one of those people who wound up addicted to opioids. But here I am, admitting it. I knew something was up when I started not feeling well whenever I didn’t take one. Like now. It usually happens around bed time, as that’s when I need the pain relief the most, so I could sleep. So, then my body got used to having that relief and now I get the jitters and feel restless at bed time if I DON’T take a hydrocodone. Last night I barely slept. I figured I need to start weaning myself off this stuff before it becomes a really big mess. So I made the choice to live and tolerate the back pain a little more rather than have to withdraw later when it’s even worse. So, not only does my back hurt, but so does my stomach. Feels raw. I’m anticipating sleep, knowing I probably won’t. I don’t feel good, yuck.

Maybe I’ll join a Facebook group for opioid addicts so I won’t have to do this alone. I mean, I’m not some hard core junky … just very uncomfortable physically when I don’t take my hydrocodone. Like I said, I never thought this could happen to me. I’m too smart for this. I had a handle on it. I only needed it a couple times a day, then I got my doc to increase the dosage. Such pain relief! I mean, I’m not living to take a hydrocodone, I’m just anxious to get some pain relief… which requires taking a hydrocodone. Does that make sense?

This stinks!

Thanks for checking me out. If you have any sage advice on how to get through this withdrawal, and an idea of how long it might take, I’d appreciate comments. Thanks for dropping by. Many blessings,

Tamara ~

~ Mourning Loss ~

I don’t think I’ve written much about my bunnies on my blog. I have bunnies. They’re not just my pets, they’re my family. A little over a year ago, we brought Lincoln into our lives. Lincoln was a beautiful Continental Giant bunny, “Ghost Chin” coloration, and the sweetest love of my life (non human). Lincoln and I spent a lot of time together, he was most often in my lap wanting me to pet his head, or he might be climbing up my leg telling me he wants a treat (carrot or banana). I never thought I could be so in love with an animal, but he brought out the best in me.

Lincoln had a “bun-wife”. A few months after we brought Lincoln home, we decided to get him a female friend. We named her Hadley. She is a beautiful “Agouti” colored Continental Giant. We love her to pieces, but she doesn’t particularly care for humans. But she did bond to Lincoln very nicely. We were hoping that the two would bond enough to give us a nice litter of little Contis, but that wasn’t happening either. Lincoln tried to be accommodating, a few times, but then he seemed to lose interest.

Anyway, Lincoln passed away last Saturday very unexpectedly. I got up Saturday morning and went to see my babies (Lincoln & Hadley) for our usual morning routine of loveys and breakfast, and I found Lincoln laying motionless in his sleep area. It was obvious he hadn’t been gone long, but he was definitely gone.

I think I went into shock. I definitely became hysterical. I cried for two days straight. Then intermittently while at work. It was tragic. We don’t know what happened, why or how he died. He wasn’t quite two years old, in good health, eating and drinking just fine. There was no known reason why he should’ve passed away. I never thought this would happen to me. I thought we’d have more time together.

Hadley also took it hard. The moment I came into the room and found Lincoln, she started stomping her feet in a show of fear and/or disapproval. After Al took Lincoln out to bury him, Hadley kept wandering around trying to find him. She went into his area and searched for him, smelling anything that held his scent, and looking bewildered that he wasn’t around anymore. It went like this for 5 days. Now Hadley is getting used to Lincoln being gone, but I’m the one she’s chosen to take his place ~ I have to cuddle with her, pet her head, feed her treats and love on her every second.

It’s been almost a week now, and Hadley and I are taking comfort with each other. Al is grieving too, but he does so privately. Hadley and I both miss Lincoln beyond expression. I’ve never felt such blatant grief… it’s all-consuming. I know, I know… many would say “He’s just a rabbit”, but no, he was so much more than that. He was a wonderful little soul who made my world that might brighter and happier. He calmed me each day after work, made me smile and he loved me. My life will never be the same having lost my Lincoln.

Thanks so much for stopping by. Many blessings… Tamara